with tear filled eyes........

Eyes are swollen and not another drop of tears are left at this time.

Glenn and I took our 13 year old cat to the vet 2 weeks ago (the vet had been our vet for the last few years) and she said he had chronic sinusitis so Weasel had been on meds for the last 2 weeks for that. Believing her till Thursday when weasel and I went back to the vets because he was just not getting better. I told the vet that something needed to be done because he was not getting better at all. I couldn't afford to keep doing the thyroid tests she suggested because it was draining us dry. I also reminded her that both her and her assistant said that the test for the thyroid that kept coming back was not really an issue since he was sick and that the test usually came back slightly high when a cat was sick anyways. Although she still wanted me to keep doing the tests in which I said we could get it done after he was better so we could get an accurate result back. I just wanted her to focus on the new blood panel of blood work, the white blood cell count test, the urine sample test and possibly new meds she. went off saying "Who told you I was ripping you off". I was like "I never said you were ripping me off I said however that these tests every 2 days in the last 2 weeks were getting expensive and I couldn't keep affording it especially when the thyroid test really isn't an issue with his nose and the results were always the same in the end anyways”.

The thyroid test kept coming back as slightly elevated but both her and her assistant keep telling me that it meant nothing just that he was sick and as long as he was sick they couldn't count on the fact that they were accurate. So I wanted them to stop taking the test and just deal with the sinusitis issue that they told me he had since it had been 2 weeks and he was getting worse. They kept poking and prodding him.. He was shaved in small different locations all overall his body and had large bruises from all the blood work and meds he had been giving and taking in the last 2 weeks.
In my opinion it was unfair to him as well as my pocket book, especially when nothing was working. So needless to say she got mad and told me I should get a second opinion. Meaning she was no longer going to deal with me and weasel anymore and we should get out. I packed him up in his carrier and said fine I will get a real vet and she was a fucking bitch for doing this to us because I wouldn't pay for another thyroid test that day. Even though I was going to be paying for a new full blood panel test, a urine test, an office visit, different meds, as well as any new meds they wanted to give him in the office, another $300.00 in their pocket but I could not keep squeezing out 60.00 every 2 days for the thyroid that kept coming back slightly high. Been there done that and nothing had changed.

So when i got home Thursday afternoon I was spitting fire over what happened and started to call other vets. I need to get weasel medical treatment asap. I found one that had an opening Friday at 9:30 am. I was relieved that my other vet hadn’t ruined it so I couldn’t find medical attention for weasel before the following week, since appointments are hard to find when we need a vet right away. Well needless to say that night I got bladder infection so at 3 am while trying to deal with it myself by drinking a 3.78 litre jug of cranberry juice, I texted Glenn to ask him if he would take weasel in for me, thinking it was only a visit to get more blood work done and stronger meds. He agreed the next morning and came home from work and picked weasel up and off to the appointment they both went. Instead of the blood work and new tests the new vet took one look at him and told Glenn she was 95% sure it was cancer. She said she would run the test in her clinic and it would take about 10 mins., longest 10 mins of Glenn’s life. At this time I tried to get a hold of Glenn on his cell but he wasn't answering me. Why was he not answering me? I began to panic. The vet ran a test in her office and came back and said yes for sure it was feline Leukemia cancer.
Glenn called me and told me he hadn’t wanted to call before he was sure and if he had of talked to me he would have only told me what the vet said without any proof yet. I was shocked he went in for what we had been told was chronic sinusitis and now had cancer. How do we go from that to this in only 2 hours? Glenn asked her how he could have gotten it since he was an inside cat, he ate expensively good food, had his shots yearly, he was fixed and blood work done regularly. He even had his teeth cleaned and such a year ago at a cost of $900.00 bucks to help prolong his life. She said it's a gene that either stays dormant for life but can activate itself if it chooses and it was no one’s fault.

She gave Glenn really only one option. We could have him on chemo therapy but at his age she was again 95% certain he would not survive that treatment, she said if he was younger the odds were better but he was in cat years 68 and human 13 and the cancer was spreading fast in his body. She said he would die from the chemo and cancer battling it out before the chemo could even start to take effect. The cancer was spreading faster then she had ever seen it spread. She said that the other vet should have had the same exact test results since we had done a full and mini blood work panel 2 weeks ago and she also confirmed that the thyroid test would be elevated since he was so sick and doing it over and over would not have changed the results at all with him being sick like he was.

Glenn was so mad and yet so hurt after he was told all this. The vet said we could bring weasel home over the weekend to say our good bye’s and bring him in Monday to have him put down if we wanted to. We couldn't handle that since neither Glenn nor I would have ever gone back to have him put down if we brought him home one last time. We would have convinced ourselves that he would have gotten better and in the end he would have suffered more than he already did. So we made the decision that we would not let him suffer anymore and have them do it that day (Friday).

I didn't go to the vet’s cause I knew I could not handle it emotionally, I would have wanted to grab our cat and run out of the clinic and so Glenn stayed with him alone. While weasel purred and face rubbed Glenn for the last time, Glenn told him how much we all loved him, thanked him for being part of our family for so many years and he promised that the pain would stop, then weasel went to eternal sleep, while in the arms of Glenn. At home the kids were called home from school and when they arrived they were told what had happened. It was an afternoon of tears and memories, swollen eyes and aching hearts for all of us. Our home feels one soul empty now and even our other cats’s sensed the sadness and have been gathering around to offer comfort and support but even with 5 other cats which we love dearly the pain of losing Weasel has been heart breaking. It will take time but I know we will work through it and find peace, where anger and hurt now reside.

Some look at pets as property, in our house our pets are our family members, they are our children, our brothers and sisters, our hearts. So when one of our hearts dies it's as if all our hearts die. So it may seem silly to some but to us it's a great lose.

We are now one less strong but time heals all wounds they say, I know in time our hurt will subside and we can just be grateful and honoured that our beloved weasel now is in complete peace without pain. He will forever be missed and loved. A painting I had done of Glenn and weasel for our anniversary a few years ago hangs above our bed as a memory of love. He will always be with us if not in body but soul.
So tonight and every night give your family pet member a hug and tell them you love them, because tomorrow might be too late. One more day with Weasel healthy and happy will never happen again but our memories of him will always be around.

Thank you all for your kind wishes and posts on face book. You all are wonderful friends and At times I don’t feel I deserve you all but I am glad you believe I do. Love you all and thank you again










"...I won't let it happen. I won't... I won't let this world exist without me!"

Children ..... Fragile minds, False memories.....

Growing up is hard. Growing up never really understanding your childhood during a divorce or a separation is harder. Children tend to blame themselves, where blame should clearly never have been put on their shoulders but of the shoulders of the people who raised them. Now this blame doesn't have to keep going on into the child’s adult life as the child who has grown into an adult has the option of finding out what really is the truth. An adult child can think for themselves and decide if what they were told is either truthful or untrue by listening to both sides in an objective way, if at all possible. This can only happen if the adult child choses to put some closure to memories that they find painful. In a perfect world children would never have to grow up with the emotional baggage that belonged to their parents, but our world isn't perfect, is it?

All the same though I am taking about a child, who has not become an adult but is just a child. A innocent child who bombarded by their parents comments and half truths. Children see things differently. The things adults tell children can be, and usually are forever etched in a child's mind. Truth and fiction becomes interwined, it becomes confusing and said enough times it becomes believable truth to a child. Tell a child a lie over and over and that child will come to believe it to be true, false memories can take the place of true memories. As I once read in a book by Orson Scott Card in which he wrote “Surround a child with lies, and he clings to them like a teddy bear, like his mother’s hand.” This statement has merrit even if it came from a fictious story.

Deception is the worse a parent can do to a child in the end. To grow up never sure of what is true or what has just been said so many times that belief is inevitable. A child mind is fragile and should never be played with by revengeful adults.

Divorce seems to be the biggest cause of false memories for children. He said, she said, is an adult game that affects the children involved. It is even worse if one parent ends up being absent in the game so the child only hears from one adult. A child who is told by one parent that the other parent is a “bad person” over and over begins to believe these comments as true. Some parents don’t even realize what they are doing to their child in the end until it is too late. Some parents never realize it was ever too late in the first place. Parents going through life may have anger against one person or another in their lives that they voice openly to their children. Children are our best listeners. Most parents are not out to hurt their child but the child is always hurt when they are told something by one parent about the other. Years of how one or another parent feels about certain issues or feelings are etched in a child’s mind till the child comes to believe what they hear must be the truth, which in turn wiggles and snares itself into the child’s mind so the child has a strong belief of something not completely truthful, just truthful in the mind of the adult who may be hurt or angry at the time it was being said.

We all do it, even in innocently speaking to our child gives the child a belief that no one else could give that child. After all it is coming from the most trusted source in their lives, their parent(s). Is it right to give a child one side? Is it right to allow our emotions to mould our thoughts when speaking to our children? Even children should be allowed to make up their own minds in the end.

Let’s explore this a bit more. Two people who stop loving or decide they cannot live together anymore call it quits. They have children; those children who love both parents are suddenly thrown in the middle of adult chaos. Both parents are mad at each other; let’s face it when a relationship ends a lot (not always the general rule though) of the time those people are hurt, confused, ashamed that their relationship didn’t work out, they are hurt that they loved their partner but they feel their partner didn’t love them, either enough or at all. Feelings are raw and emotions are high. One parent tells their child(ren) “Daddy didn’t love us so he left us” Is this true did the daddy leave the child(ren) or did he leave the mother? “Daddy has a new family who he loves better that is why he never calls or visits” Is this true again did he go off have another family just to replace the one he had? Is that really the reason he doesn’t call or visit? Now daddy says to the kids “Mommy didn’t love daddy she loves someone one else” Is this true, did mommy really just stop loving daddy? “Daddy is not allowed to call or visit you.” Did mommy really make it so daddy couldn’t see his kid(s)? Parents telling their child(ren) even worse things then the examples above, because they don't want the other person to be invoilved in the child(ren) life. The comments vary but the facts remain that each parent makes comments to set doubt and confusion into their child(ren) minds. Whether it is intentional or not, the seeds have already been planted by one or both parents. What is a child to do? Who is a child to believe? It makes it worse if only one parent is in the picture and makes comments discrediting the other, for whatever reason is not in the picture, who cannot defend themselves. The child(ren) now have no way of knowing what the other side of the story is. They will begin to believe what they hear the most of.

Defending yourself, now that should never have to happen if both parents would put their emotions aside and think of the child(ren). I have watched too many people confuse their children with angry and hurt emotions that they are feeling over a break up. Friends, who are on the verge of breaking up, divorcing, or separating, tend to say things about their partners that should never be said around their children. Parents who have told me that they feel that their child(ren) should know the truth from them and not from the other parent. What gives these people, who are logical and caring people, who would never intentionally say bad things in better times of their lives, the right to suddenly tell their child(ren) the truth as they see it now. Mommy and daddy were the greatest people for the last x number of years are now what, uncaring brutes, thoughtless, unworthy, losers?? How does one go from being a great person, to all those bad comments that two people will say about each other to their child(ren) during a divorce or separation.

A child’s mind is sensitive and they may not show it but deep inside they are taking it all in, quietly. They are beginning to believe things that are being said time and time again. They are confused who they love and who loves them back. They are in turmoil and no one notices until they start to lash out, then parents act confused why their child would lash out against them. They will blame anyone else but never stop and think “was it something I said”? Yes, it was something you said. You’re the adult act like it. If your relationship or marriage is something you cannot work on then by all means end it. Just don’t end it for your child(ren). If you need someone to talk to find another adult, but always make sure your child(ren) are never within ear shot when you bash the other person. Never make snide or rude comments about the other person to your child(ren). You’re the adult, what you feel today about a person you never end up feeling the same way 20 years from now, but your child(ren) will. They will always have those comments etched in their heads. It will affect them even if they don’t understand why they feel that way. The relationship with your partner has ended for two of you; it did not end for the children. They will always have the parents they have before you divorced, even if one or both parents find love with another person. Don’t punish them as if they were the ones who could not keep your relationship going or they were the cause of your emotional anger and hurt.

Someone calls you fat or ugly as a child, you remember that in the back of your head, you diet as an adult, you try to change your looks the best you can, and you do whatever it takes to change those feelings you have now because someone made a comment when you were a kid. Those feelings were etched into your head years ago but they still have their effects working on your mind as an adult. You never forgot how you felt back then.

Kids who come from divorced parents will always remember too, it is up to you to make sure they don’t get caught up in your emotional baggage of hurt feelings. Time heals most wounds but comments last a life time.

Be just that, the one person your child(ren) can trust never to give them false comments even when you’re hurting inside so much you want to explode. Remember that raw hurt you feel today will not be raw in years to come. Those feelings will fade and disappear, your comments now; never will.






"...I won't let it happen. I won't... I won't let this world exist without me!"

I was inspired .... part 2

Here are the essays of my other two children ..... they are sooooo creative in there own little ways hahahaha

Tim: Age 17

"My name is Timothy. This is my story. One day I was watching TV and I seen a commercial. I was like, “OH MY GOD! This movie looks intense! What is it!!!!” Then the announcer spoke “Watchmen, in theatres this FRIDAY.” I was like, “I HAVE TO SEE THIS OR I WILL DIE!” So, I went down stairs to speak to my god-like mother who does not like me to do stupid stuff to go see a movie, like write an essay. But when I arrived, she told me she knew that this movie was being released. I replied with, “WE HAVE TO SEE IT OMGOMGOMGOMGROFLCOPTER!” and she said I have already gotten 3 tickets; I will get 2 more when it comes out.

I thought this would be great. So I went up stairs to play some Madden 09 and rape random people online like I often do when I am bored. So I owned this one guy whose online record was around 53 wins and 43 loses. He was playing as Colts, and I was playing as SD Chargers. He was the away team so he had to flip the madden coin to decide who would chose to receive and kick the ball first. He chose heads, and the coin came up heads. He decided to do a Kick Return. So my kicker got on the field and kicked the ball to his 10 yard line (it was a weak kick compared to his others). I ran my guy to him and used the Madden Hit stick on his player. He was down on the 34 yard line. His first play was a HB Dive, which I guessed he would do some sort of run, so I called the BLITZ on him. He lost around 3-4 yards on the play. His next play was a HB Screen, which I did not expect. He threw the ball to his half back, which was on the left side of the field. I switched to control my Safety and hit pushed him out of bounds. He was on my goal line. His first play in the RED ZONE was a HB Strong Toss to the right, my BLITZ stopped this fairly well. Next a QB sneak, but once again, I had my BLITZ ready, so he only gained a few yards. He was now on my 2 yard line. Stopping him with a BLITZ would be very hard because he had many options to get his touch down. So I called a ZONE BLITZ on him. He got to the line of scrimmage with 4 wide receivers, so I put my line on spread formation and putting my SS as a QB Spy. He passed to his wide receiver and my Safety seen this. He ran towards his wide receiver and jumped between him and the ball. “INTERCEPTION!!” is what the announcer of the game yelled. As I landed this interception, I spun my SS in a half circle around his wide receiver, and then ran about 5 yards up before his linemen knocked me out of play. My first offensive play was up. I chose an I-Formation – Double HB set, ISO. LT, my running back ran the ball through the middle for a gain of 4 yards. Next play I chose was a STRONG formation, HB Stretch. My QB stepped back a few feet then handed LT the ball. LT sprung to the right of the field, but the other player called a corner BLITZ. I thought I was a goner, but I hit the hit stick forward and LT ducked under his arm, but since his guy got a hold of me, his defensive players were crowded around LT. I thought this was the end, 1 running back in the middle of 5 defensive players. Nope, LT broke out somehow with the hit stick. It was open field, 1 on 1, LT versus the players Safety. I ran forward with LT, thinking I got this touchdown. As I was running forward, his guy dived in front of me. LT was down, I did not expect a dive to the legs, and I was expecting a Madden Hit Stick to make me lose some yards, maybe injure my player, or even cause a fumble. Next play came up, First and OPP 38 yard line. I decided to give Chambers some yards this game. I chose to do something little, just enough to give me about a first down, so I chose STRONG formation, Curls. My QB snapped the ball, backed up, then passed to Chris Chambers. He caught it of course, Easy first down. I was now on his 28 yard line. My next play was going to Chambers once again, this time; I wanted it to be a touchdown play. I chose a SCREEN PASS play. I was on the line of scrimmage. I sent my running backs to the right of the field and set my linesmen to a pinch formation. Once I snapped the ball I ran to the LEFT of the field away from my team. The other player was expecting another insane run by LT, but not this time. His players ran away from my linesmen and towards my QB, the only player on the left side of the field. I stopped moving backwards, planted my back foot, and lobbed the ball to Chambers. Wide open field. Chambers caught the ball, and ran it in for a touchdown, Easy 6 points on the board. He started his dance in front of the cameras. Now it was time for the 1 point conversion. I set up my field goal team and got on the field.

As I was about to set the kicking position of the ball, a message appeared on the bottom of my screen saying, “DISCONNECTED FROM XBOX LIVE”. I lost a game that was going to be a win for me. Why? All because of SHAW and their random disconnections, if I got to see this movie, it would make up for this disaster that happened in my life, and make me feel okay that I did not receive that win. That is why you should let me see Watchmen."


Keegan: Age 14

"Why I Would Like To See Watchmen....

Watchmen. How will it even benefit me? What's the point of seeing the movie? Well, first off, i'd like to say, yes it will benefit me, and there are many reasons to see this movie. It could change my entire future. After looking into some research, and thinking deep in thought, I have come up with some reasons why I should see this movie. In the next few paragraphs are some reasons why I believe this would contribute to me quite greatly.

As I said in the above paragraph, I would say some reasons listed why I should see this movie. First of all, it could change my entire life. Just the plot alone, I could be inspired to go into military. Or possibly even just be inspired to create a novel and/or illustrated book with something as great as this plot. That is, if I see "The Watchmen". Just maybe this could even teach me a lesson. I could learn more about the Soviet Union and about the American government. Wouldn't you like to educate me? I think that this could be a life changing event. It could possibly mean my future.

Now, maybe you believe that this won't educate me. You could in fact be correct. But, I could become out of the loop by not seeing this movie. It could ruin my social life. After the revelation of "The Dark Knight", I was in the loop. I knew what everyone was talking about. But, if the same thing will happen with "The Watchmen" that has happened with "The Dark Knight" I could become very popular. Maybe even so popular, the government would buy me into college. Fourteen years I have worked to contain my social reputation. I don't think you nor anyone else, would like it to completely fall to pieces after this.

Maybe you think I’m lying about all of this just to get the essay done. But, to me, I think this could be a personal accomplishment for me. Every kid deserves a chance to accomplish one of their goals. Well, this is a goal of mine. And, I believe I deserve the chance. I have thought to myself deeply about why I should see "The Watchmen". And, I believe you should think deeply to yourself on how this could affect me. If I don't go, I might be scarred for life. But, if I do go, I could be the most accomplished kid of my generation. The choice is yours. You have the fate to decide my future. And I hope you pick the correct choice."

After we read these short creative essays, we told the kids that they all won and we would all be seeing the watchmen together. I am sure they were not completely impressed since they all thought that only one of them would win the contest. It was a fun way to mess with the kids.









"...I won't let it happen. I won't... I won't let this world exist without me!"

I was inspired ... So my kids have to write short essays

Yesterday I checked my Horoscope and it told me children will inspire me and it happened, I was inspired to tell my 3 kids that if they wanted to go see "Watchmen" in the theater they needed to write me a essay on why they even want to see this movie in theaters. So far only 1 of them has replied. It was told to them that it is suppose to be a contest and who ever won got to attend the movie night with their dad and I. What they don't know is that all will win and be allowed to go but this is fun to acually see just how much they really want to see this movie. Here is my youngests son's short essay.

Erik: age 10

"I think I should go to the watchmen because I have been really good and I have marked all the days until it comes out and I have been waiting. So as for Tim/Keegan are not really waiting. Tim has been nagging you, lets not lie now he has and keegan just dose not, so really forget about her and I have always been good at going/leaving the movie theater, as for tim and keegan push me around and tim has pushed me into a guy, keegan has pushed me down and don't tell tim and keegan this cause they will kill me. Also tim and keegan havent read the comic book or wanted to so yea i wanted to but i did not know we had it, by the way!"


He even added pictures to his email to add extra content. It's funny that he just wants me to forget about his sister. I almost cried laughing when I read this. Can't wait till the other two finish their essays on why they want to see "The Watchmen" in theaters. Will keep ya posted.


"...I won't let it happen. I won't... I won't let this world exist without me!"